One of the main reasons I started this blog was to help make sure my anxiety doesn’t prevent me from doing things. Last night while making dinner I had my first bout of anxiety since being here. Not sure how your anxiety starts with you but most times I get anxious from paranoia in my head. It can be as simple as ‘did I forget to lock the door?’ and then it grows, leaving me anxious and my heart pounding. Sometimes my imagination and fears get the better of me which is how I found myself last night with one of the worst bouts of anxiety I have had in a long time.
Here at the farmhouse we are secluded, not secluded enough that you can’t see the next house next to you but enough that it would be hard to notice anything amiss. It was nighttime, and I was sautéing the mushrooms, garlic, onions and carrots for the risotto I was making when I had to go outside to the fridge (yes the fridge is outside the house) and I was suddenly very aware of the access people, bad people could have to me and Sean. How the upstairs door was open and how they could be waiting for us or we would be downstairs in the living room watching TV and someone could walk right in and we’d have no where to go but running UP an olive grove and how I was not in good enough shape to handle that and how Sean would no-doubt sacrifice himself to the bad person so that I could make it an extra 10 feet before falling and it would have all been in vain.
I tried talking myself down from it. I forced myself to quickly get the wine and shut the door and focus on dinner. But it kept getting worse.
My heart started to pound and I went from paranoid to anxious, the kind of anxious that you feel it in the back of your throat and then you feel it in your heart and then your stomach. My songs were playing and I was telling myself, don’t be silly, of course that won’t happen. You are fine. But I just couldn’t get over it. I had to ask Sean to go upstairs to lock the door and bring the keys back so we can lock ourselves in down here. I said I was having a thing and he just smiled and did what I asked. He came back down and brought his laptop to the kitchen island and worked in there as I finished cooking. Normally, that would work and the pounding would go away because I was able to contain it but it didn’t stop. I felt the anxiety for the rest of the evening, even through watching Rush Hour and even as Sean held me and I fell asleep.
I am feeling it now as I write this, it is still there but I am going to finish up work for a client, I will put away the laundry I did on Thursday night and I will work out. I will not stay in bed all day. It is a gorgeous day, I’m going to open up the windows and let the fresh air in and hopefully, this anxiety will disappear. It’s the only thing I can do but until it is gone, I will notice it in every task that I do today. So here’s to hoping my brain will let it go and I can enjoy this beautiful day.
What about you? Do you notice triggers for your Anxiety and how do you deal with it when you are abroad or even when you are just at home?